More Actors Should Just Quit Acting

A list of actors that I think should stop. Please?

By Josh Tuper

The oh so prestigious E Online reported Sunday that Brad Pitt has a plan to retire from acting. Quite soon. They also went on (and on and on) about how he and Angelina Jolie are planning to have another baby! OMG! Anyway, while I’m sure many think the idea of a great actor quitting their so-called day job is terrible, I feel good about the notion. What about the old saying, quit while you’re ahead? Most famous actors and actresses have been ahead for years. Therefore, I have decided to compile a list of other Hollywood greats that should probably just stop.

1. Angelina Jolie

Why don’t we make it a family affair? Since these two crazy love birds want to literally have a child from every country, I think it would just be best to settle down like a multicultural Brady Bunch. Complete with a wise-cracking maid (or five). There is also the fact that I honestly can’t remember the last good movie she was in. I always thought she was kind of overrated anyway. Not to mention, unlike most other males, I don’t find her attractive. I’m sure she’s a fantastic mom, though, so just focus on that! Just kidding, she’s probably the worst.

2. Adam Sandler

This has nothing to do with Jack and Jill. Obviously that’s a terrible movie. Seriously, I feel like people were surprised. Did anybody see the trailer or read the premise? It has all the makings for a crappy movie! Okay I’m glad I let that out. That said, maybe Sandler and friends are just running out of ideas? His last four movies were Jack and Jill, Zookeeper, Just Go With It, and Grown Ups. Before those he was in Funny People. If he retired after that, we would have been spared four awful films. It’s all a sign that he should either a) stop, or b) only make funny songs about Hanukkah.

3. Mel Gibson

Apparently, his role in that movie with his hand up a beaver puppet the whole time was pretty good. I just don’t think we’re ready to accept him back into our hearts and homes. Also, he’s really just a ticking time bomb, ready to explode and try to become a dictator. We keep letting him make movies, he’s one step closer to that. Think about it.

4. Will Smith

Sure, I love Will. Best rapper alive, right? But in all seriousness, I’ve enjoyed most things this man has done. He hasn’t been in much lately anyway, so would we be upset if he didn’t ever again? Either that or he would make some sort of comeback movie and we would all be disappointed. Besides, Smith has a son to act and a daughter to do music. He never needs to work again.

5. Robert DeDinro/Al Pacino

I put these two together because they are both great actors, but they just don’t need to keep working. Especially in the roles they have been playing. Also, I feel like either one of them is going to die any minute.

6. Nicholas Cage

Because I said so.

I’m sure I could go on for quite some time and this would eventually just turn into a biased list of actors and actresses I dislike that I think should stop making movies. My point is, normal people retire, athletes retire, so why is it so hard for actors to just stop. You have money, let’s let others get a chance.

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12 Comments on “More Actors Should Just Quit Acting”

  1. Laura says:

    Why is Angelina Jolie “probably the worst” mother? She has adopted several children from developing nations and given them an amazing life. She’s so attentive to them. No sign of nannies anywhere. I find that pretty offensive. Just because you find her unattractive (sexist) or a bad actress does not make her a bad mother.

    Robert Deniro is on the brink of death? Since when?

    Will Smith is working on a new Men in Black film so…

    I am consistenly unimpressed with this blog. No one is doing their homework.

    • Ryan Michael Clancy says:

      Don’t read it then….

      • Chris says:

        Don’t post stuff on the interweb if you can’t handle criticism. This is completely uninformed and the paragraph on Angelina Jolie is straight up ignorant. The entire post is just ad hominem attacks, regardless of the actor/actress’s talent or lack thereof.

      • Laura says:

        Agreed with Chris. I’m not allowed to criticize? Sorry. I didn’t realize the reply button was for compliments only. Perhaps Broken Spork needs to be more concise with their writing in more than one area…

    • josh Tuper says:

      Hello, I am the author of this article. I apologize to those who were offended by my harsh words about these rich and well loved celebrities. This article was written purely out of sarcasm, which I know is hard to comprehend sometimes. I am a comedy writer. Its just jokes, kids.
      Thanks for reading!

      • Laura says:

        Umm, I am all for comedy writing however… it needs to be INFORMED. You can’t just spout things left and right without stuff to back it up, even if it’s “just jokes.” Who cares if they’re rich? I certainly don’t “love” celebrities, and I’m not exactly defending them. I’m just pointing out that you need to actually research this stuff, even if it’s mere “rich, well-loved” celebs and THEN you can make jokes that will be actually considered funny. None of this was funny in the least.

  2. Ish says:

    I ‘LOL’ed. ‘Cept about Will Smith. I don’t play around when it comes to Hitch.

  3. Colin Peters says:

    I don’t think it’s possible to factually prove that an actor should retire. This entire article is clearly a humorous piece informed by opinion and not fact. If I say that I like spaghetti, must I back that up with research? If readers can’t distinguish opinion from news, the fault is their own.

    • Chris says:

      Obviously this is not news; no one is disputing that, but I expect more than “she’s an awful mom and she’s not even hot LOL” and “I feel like either one of them is going to die any minute.” I do not have a special affinity for any of these actors but I simply did not find this piece funny. But hey, if I say I don’t find this funny, must I back that up with research?

      • Colin Peters says:

        No, you definitely don’t need any research haha. I’m totally cool with the negative responses to this article. If you don’t like it, that’s your opinion, more power to you. I just think some of the criticism is strange. I’m not sure what kind of “homework” should be done before stating that he doesn’t find Angelina Jolie attractive, it’s one writer’s opinion. If you don’t like the article, cool. If you think Angelina Jolie is hot, cool. But to rail the writer for not doing enough research and/or homework seems unfair. To me, pointing out that Nicholas Cage spells his name and is credited as Nicolas Cage seems more prudent than complaining about Angie’s mommy duties.


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