Actually, Nick Cage Is The Fuckin’ Business

Defending Nicholas Cage’s honor.

By Jeremy Glass

Ed. Note: Yesterday Josh Tuper wrote about actors that should quit Hollywood. Nick Cage was on that list. Here’s why Nick Cage is worth keeping around.

Ok, say what you will about the integrity of films these days: Jack & Jill, The Smurfs, Alvin and The Chipmunks Redux: Part 6 3-D, clearly movies have taken a nose dive into a fresh pile of ass. And yes, perhaps there are some actors who are responsible for this creative holocaust: this is not limited to 98% of Judd Apatow’s little dream team, but for the love of Cthulhu, don’t get Nicholas Cage involved!

First off, the man has more passion in his pinky finger than America did when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. Cage is a scream machine who just, unfortunately, made some irresponsible financial decisions, which compromised his path to paying rent.

These irresponsible decisions, and I use “irresponsible” lightly because I think his purchases are incredible, are as follows:

  1. A 10 Million dollar home in Malibu
  2. A paradise 40 acre island in the Bahamas
  3. A medieval castle in Germany
  4. A country manor, “Grey Craig” in Rhode Island
  5. ANOTHER medieval castle in England

Sure, he ended up selling most of his property to cover his enormous debt to the IRS, but when you’re enough of a boss to buy, not one, but TWO medieval castles, you deserve to sit on a gold-plated chair made of diamonds.

Medieval castles aside, let’s get balls deep into Cage’s repertoire of films. First off, homeboy was nominated twice for an Academy Award: one for his excellent work as a loony alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas, and his other for a loony workaholic in Adaptation. While I strongly believe that both nominations should have gone to him in Face/Off, as Sean Archer and Castor Troy, there’s still proof that Nicholas Cage is a decent actor.

Nick Cage is like Sesame Street – he’s been with me my entire life and he teaches me new things every day. For instance, did you know that if you get a barrel full of bees dumped into your eyes, it will really hurt? That little chunk of brain candy I learned from the remake of The Wicker Man. Did you know that you can angrily recite the ENTIRE alphabet if you’re angry? Did you know that punching women and children is totally fine? Did you know that you can get away with just about anything if you’re in a bear costume? Don’t worry, I’m linking the best of Cage on the bottom of this article.

For those who doubt Nicholas Cage’s acting abilities, and can overlook Season of The Witch, I implore you to watch Moonstruck, Matchstick Men, The Rock, and Leaving Las Vegas. You can’t demonize a man who makes movies simply because he’s out of cash, and thus will take any role you put in front of him. Shit, I have half a mind to cast him into the remake of Meet The Parents I’ve been working on. He’d be really awesome in every role, so I think I’ll cast him in ever role.

For  your viewing pleasure:

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3 Comments on “Actually, Nick Cage Is The Fuckin’ Business”

  1. Ryan Michael Clancy says:

    Article aside, this video clearly shows that Cage isn’t the greatest actor in Hollywood, but he sure is one of the most entertaining which is what really counts. Yes he has and most likely will have a bad line of movies but just remember there is more treasure to be found. The one issue I do have with the article is the comment about how movies are taking a “nose dive.” There have always been and always will be bad movies. I think 2011 has had a wonderful year for movies such as “Ideas of March” and “Win Win.” Yes, the blockbuster films have been disappointing but we can’t use that as evidence for recent movies taking a nose dive. I did enjoy most of the article, especially the part about what his assets were/are.

  2. Laura says:

    ” Did you know that punching women and children is totally fine?”

    I did know that, in fact, because Broken Spork teaches us all that sexism is fine!

  3. Josh Tuper says:

    Well played, sir!
    Haha, I do love Nick Cage, I can not deny that. I retract my statement, I hope he never quits!


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