The Worst of 2011

You’ve gotten the best, now read about the worst in 2011.

By Josh Tuper

The end is near, folks. No, I’m not talking about predictions of the world ending in 2012, but simply that another year is close to be being behind us. This means publications near and far are doing their annual “best of the year” lists. When I found out Broken Spork was taking part, I became excited to list what I thought was awesome this year.

But then I began to ponder. “2011”, I said to myself like a schizophrenic, “kind of sucked.” I was almost certain my brain was going to implode at some point this year. A pop culture aneurysm, if you will. So being the cynical and critical son-of-a-gun I am, I will now take some self indulgent time to list what I thought were the worst parts of the year.


11. Charlie Sheen

Bigger than Hurricane Irene this year was hurricane Sheen, and the damages from the latter were much more devastating. Sheen became more famous than ever this year simply for being a crack head who lost his mind. Essentially. The worst part is that we all fell in to his trap, which lead to expanding his stardom. Actually, the worst part is that it’s somehow still not over. I swear, if people are still saying “WINNING” (with our with out an unnecessary hash tag) I’m moving to another planet. I heard Mars is lovely in the spring.


10. Rebecca Black

Speaking of obnoxious internet fueled “celebrities”, Rebecca Black’s song “Friday” was the most popular bad song of the year. Black made an estimated $20,000 (if not more) from revenue with her Youtube partnership. That’s right kids, every time you and your friends watched the video and listened to the song because it was “ironic” and so bad, you made this chick rich. Good job, internet.


9. The Media In General

The media was kind of blowing it this year. Specifically their obsession with famous people we shouldn’t care about getting married. We know every single detail about the Royal Wedding, or even Kim Kardashian’s short lived love story with Kris Humphries. But what about the revolution in Egypt, or the civil war in Libya. Sure, maybe it’s not so much the media’s fault that the less important “news” is what the public focuses on. Also, I’m not trying to sound smug or like a pretentious know-it-all. Trust me, I’m just as much of a sucker for celebrity gossip as a 13 year old girl. But I’m just saying, come on, try to balance worldly importance with trivial pop culture events. Your brain will thank you.


8. Justin Bieber: All Grown Up

What’s worse than Justin Bieber? Justin Bieber now that he’s no longer an obnoxious child pop star, but a regular big boy obnoxious pop star. He moved from being just a cute kid with a young lady’s haircut, to a (and I want to emphasize these quote marks) “hottie”. Cut to women of all ages swooning. Though it is funny to me that he seems to have raided Kanye West’s closet. Oh, and he can rap now? What?


7. Bruno Mars

Worst artist of all time? Possibly. My contempt of Bruno Mars is deep and fiery. I don’t see the appeal, nor do I want to. Every time I heard “The Lazy Song” this summer I ran away crying. Seriously. Here are some excerpts from the song’s lyrics just to help my point; “Tomorrow I’ll wake up, do some P90X/Meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex/And she’s gonna scream out: ‘This is Great’”, “No, I ain’t gonna comb my hair’/Cause I ain’t going anywhere/No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, oh”, and finally “I’ll just strut in my birthday suit/And let everything hang loose/Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-eah”. Wow.


6. 3D!

I could write an entire article about how much I dislike 3D movies. Perhaps I will! Anyway, the bottom line is I dislike anything that doesn’t seem real. I’m old school like that. I also abhor wearing plastic glasses whilst trying to enjoy a movie. But the absolute worst part is that not only are most new movies being released in 3D, but now even older movies are being re-released in 3D. No, I don’t want to see The Lion King in 3D. No, I really don’t want to see Titanic in 3D either. I especially never ever want to see Star Wars in 3D.


5. Katy Perry/Jessie J/Ke$ha/Lady Gaga/etc.

I think there’s been some great female pop stars that emerged this year. Just look at Adele, one of the best artists of the year. So much sheer talent and originality in a sea of cookie cutter, club bumping, singers and songs. Which brings me to my point. I just can’t tell the difference between any of them and whenever a Lady Ke$ha, or a Jessie Perry, or whatever, track comes on the radio I am left with a headache and confusion.


4. Lil Wayne’s New Style

I’m not talking about his musical style. Musically, I’m neutral when it comes to Lil’ Wayne. I love hip hop, but I can do without him. I mean his new look. His tight zebra pants he wore at the VMA’s this year, or his green space boots he wore in the video for Drake’s song “The Motto”. I can only assume that Lil’ Wayne has done so many drugs that he has been left literally mentally challenged. But how can we expect to take this style of music that’s been such a large part of American culture seriously, when one of it’s most popular artists is prancing around looking like a fool? Where’s Tupac and Biggie when you need them?


3. Green Lantern

I’m quite sure that the worst movie of the year was Jack and Jill. However, I didn’t see it and I would never be caught dead paying for a movie like that. In general, I normally don’t go see movies that look shitty. Not to mention I’m extremely picky when it comes to films. However, I’m ashamed to say I saw what is definitely in the top five horrible movies of the year, Green Lantern. I got free tickets, and I’ve always liked The Green Lantern in the comic book universe, so I said why not? I wish I hadn’t. I can’t even explain how bad it was. Everything from the cheesy one liner’s of Ryan Reynolds, to the horrible CG special effects and beyond lackluster character development. Maybe I should have seen Jack and Jill instead? Nah, just kidding.


2. The Republican Candidates

Or possibly the best part of 2011. I’m not necessarily a very political person, so I’m not going to go into how evil the GOP is. That’s for another time and place. I will say that the circus show that is the current republican presidential candidates is horrifying and hilarious all at the same time. They are all insane in their own ways and we’ll probably be screwed if or when one becomes president in 2012. The only part that isn’t even funny is how much of a (for lack of a better word) shitty person Rick Perry is. But again, not the time nor place.


1. The State Of Television

Finally, we have television. There were some real stand outs this year; Happy Endings became one of the best comedies, Breaking Bad blew my mind, and Parks and Rec tugged at my heart strings while making me laugh out loud every episode. But it has also been a dark year full of disappointment and unoriginality. Community, one of the smartest and funniest comedies, was midseason bumped for 30 Rock. Meanwhile, Whitney, one of the worst on the air, is going strong. Also, one of my absolute favorites, the HBO comedy Bored To Death was recently cancelled due to poor ratings. I feel as if this trend is just beginning. The great shows will get the axe while the crappy ones flourish. Then the good ones will get discovered years later on Netflix. See: Arrested Development, Party Down, Freaks and Geeks, etc. It’s a sad reality, but get ready for less intelligent comedy, and more 2 Broke Whitney’s, or whatever.


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